Hi everyone! We are hearing more and more about mental health problems which people face on a daily basis. I wanted to share with you all my time suffering with a mental illness.
It all began when I was 16 and GCSE exams were coming up. I believe once you enter Secondary School there is an enormous amount of emphasis and pressure that getting A's and achieving really high grades at GCSE will be the only way to progress onto achieving A - Levels and going onto university. As I got further into my Secondary Education and GCSE's were getting closer and closer is when I literally shut down. Being constantly told how important these exams were for my future finally got to me and I crumbled under pressure, pressure which was mainly all put onto myself by myself. I wasn't the brightest bulb at school which meant I had to work extremely hard to try and get grades that some get naturally. I kept telling myself over and over how I was never good enough and no matter how much work I put in I will never be like my other class mates. I would continuously over think every simple task I was given, making everything ten times harder for myself. This enabled that voice in my head to tell me how I was proving not only to myself but to everyone else that I would never be good enough and I will always struggle to do simple things, sort of like, "look at you, you struggle to do things a young child could do".
With this thought going round and round in my head everyday it really began to affect my daily life as well. I couldn't leave the house without constantly worrying about every possible thing that could go wrong and without thinking that everyone is watching and judging my every move. I got to a point where this voice in my head was taking over my life and I never wanted to leave the house to do anything or see anyone. I believed so much that I was useless, worthless, value to nobody and I would be better off being buried six feet under - as I'd no longer be a burden to others. Due to me being so stressed (which I know most of it was self inflicted) it was causing parts of my body to swell up. My spleen was starting to swell and my tonsils literally swelled up so much that they became like two air bags at the back of my throat, which made eating and breathing slightly difficult at times. Due to this, I had to get my tonsils removed - I never even had tonsillitis in my life but out they came!
Now that I was managing to eat and breathe a lot easier my mental health was still the same. My mum had mentioned to me getting help before but I feel like when you have anxiety or depression or even both, you really deny what you have when anyone mentions getting help. I would tell my mum that I didn't want a stranger knowing how much of a "freak" I was and that I will get better on my own eventually. After many days of me crying and opening up to my parents, they finally decided to step forward and take action to help me get better. They decided to get in touch with a therapist for me to begin cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy looks at the negative patterns which are happening in your life like things as depression and low moods and figure out ways you can help your self and your behaviour.
I personally never considered taking anti-depressants or any form of medication as I didn't want a pill to reassure me that I was feeling better, I feel like once you feel like this you are going to become addicted to medication for life as you think that is helping - when I don't believe it really is. I was determined to over come this on my own and without the help of medicine.
Once you start therapy you may get slightly impatient and think to yourself after a month or so of sessions, "why isn't it working? Am I going to be stuck like this forever?". However, if you keep seeking help and listen to their advice and the techniques they give you, you really start to over come it without realising. Your brain is doing all the methods you have been taught when you're out and you will think to yourself, "Wow! I haven't been able to do that in months!".
I slowly but surely began to feel more comfortable leaving the house and meeting people. Don't be alarmed on the days you feel down because that is going to happen, it isn't going to set you back but your mind is powerful and it takes time to completely get out of the state of depression and anxiety. I still have my days where I really don't want to go to a social event because I am really not in the mood but I believe everybody needs time to themselves and having one time where you don't really feel like socialising or going somewhere doesn't mean you're back on a downwards spiral, it may just mean your brain just needs time to recharge.
Overall, your loved ones around you will always be there to support you no matter what you are going through. Whether it be your parents, grandparents, aunt, uncles, your partner, cousins or close friends, you will always have somebody there who will be willing to help you make a step forward in getting your life back to where you want it to be. Talking to somebody and seeking help changed my life for the better!
Don't be afraid to come to terms with what's going on if you're struggling with a mental health problem or just struggling with any type of problem. Even just talking to someone to let everything out always made me feel as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
If you don't feel as if you don't have anyone to talk to, any of you can message me at any time and I would be more than happy to listen to everything you want to let off your chest. I can't emphasise enough how getting help really will make everything get better, slowly!
Remember to always be supportive to everyone, you never know what they can be going through behind closed doors.
Have a great rest of the week,
Xian xx
